Is it normal for a young child to not want to share anything—toys, food, outerwear? #
Yes, completely normal. Young children are egocentric by design. Their brains are still developing the capacity for perspective-taking, impulse control, and emotional regulation. True perspective-taking doesn’t emerge until around ages four to six. Children may eventually outgrow selfishness, but waiting for that to happen is a missed opportunity. The brain is also highly plastic at this age. Parents have enormous power to foster generosity, and the earlier they start, the better.
What can parents do to model sharing and empathy? #
The single most important thing parents can do is establish a 360-degree consent norm around possessions—and apply it without exception.
This means: you don’t take things from your child without asking first. You don’t allow siblings, other children, or well-meaning relatives to grab things from your child either. And your child is held to the same standard—they may not grab from others.
A child who experiences their own possessions being respected learns what that respect feels like. That felt experience is the foundation of empathy—not lectures about sharing, not praise charts, not moral instruction. When the consent norm is applied in all directions, all the time, children internalize it naturally.
The language flows from the experience. “Let’s ask your brother if we can borrow that.” When brother says no, the first reaction for both child and parent might be frustration. But that “no” is a door. The parent can step into the confidant role: an exaggerated pout, a dramatic sigh, a whispered “He wouldn’t share with us? I’m very sad about that.” The child has just witnessed something profound: we asked, we heard no, and the feelings got felt—and the world didn’t end. Children notice.
Should parents impose consequences for not sharing? #
Consequences are appropriate, but punishment is likely to backfire. Forcing a child to hand something over, shaming them, or using time-outs breeds resentment. It also sends a mixed message: we tell children possessions must be respected, then override that norm when it’s inconvenient.
What works is the Hand in Hand Parenting approach to setting limits. When a child grabs something from a sibling, the parent intervenes physically if necessary—warmly but firmly—and holds the limit without anger or punishment. “I won’t let you take that from her.”
What follows is just as important as the intervention itself. The child is given a real choice: accept the no, or stay in those feelings with a calm, connected adult until they’re ready to do so. The parent does not rush this—no bribing, no giving in. Preserving the child’s choice is what makes this non-coercive.
If time doesn’t allow, set it aside and return later. The goal isn’t resolution of this particular incident but internalization of the broader rule: we ask, and we respect the answer. You’re not seeking obedience—you’re seeking internalization. For the parent, the hardest part isn’t knowing what to do—it’s staying regulated enough to do it.
Many parents find that a child’s resistance activates their own impulse to give in or lash out—and when that happens, staying warm and firm becomes nearly impossible. This is where the parent’s own emotional landscape enters the picture. Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy offers parents a way to recognize and work with those reactions so they can hold the limit without being hijacked by it. The limit-holding gets easier when you’re not fighting yourself at the same time.
When should you worry that a child’s lack of empathy is a sign of something else? #
Before assuming there’s a problem, it’s worth ruling out the most common cause: not enough connection. What looks like selfishness is often a bid for closeness—the child hasn’t had enough one-on-one time with a parent recently, or they’re carrying some unprocessed emotional weight. Hand in Hand’s Special Time practice—ten to fifteen minutes of daily undivided, child-directed attention—can have a striking effect on children’s willingness to share and cooperate. Strict time-boxing is what makes this sustainable. You’re not signing up for an open-ended afternoon, just a defined window of full presence.
That said, if a child consistently shows no concern when others are hurt, no remorse after causing harm, and this pattern holds across settings and over time—that’s worth consultation. A professional can assess whether something like autism, ADHD, or another condition affecting social cognition may be at play. Children with these conditions can develop empathy and generosity, but they may need more specialized support.
What resources can parents consult? #
Start with Hand in Hand Parenting—a nonprofit with a library of articles and the book Listen: Five Simple Tools to Meet Your Everyday Parenting Challenges by founder Wipfler and Schore. It’s the most practical, connection-based resource I know for building the 360-degree consent culture that makes all of this possible. For the play and connection angle, Lawrence Cohen’s Playful Parenting is a natural companion. It makes the case that children work out their hardest feelings through play, and gives parents concrete ways to use humor and games to rebuild closeness.
Joshua Pritikin, Ph.D., is a psychological counselor who integrates Hand in Hand Parenting and Internal Family Systems (IFS). Learn more about his counseling private practice at estrelacounseling.com
